Disclaimer: This is written from my own personal experiences and not to be taken as medical advice. I’m not a doctor and far from a Shaman, I chose to do Ayahuasca because of my own PTSD as part of my personal healing journey.
There are many veterans that face treatment resistant depression. This occurs when two or more medications or treatments for PTSD fail to be effective. I’ve fallen into this category and for a period of time, I thought the problem wasn’t the medication…it was me.
The reality is that if western medication was 100% effective for American Veterans, we wouldn’t be in the midst of a never-ending suicide crisis in our community. Military suicide has plagued our nation, the statistics are devastating and like you, I’ve lost friends. Years later, I finally understand that traditional medication and therapies don’t work for every Veteran. Veterans are unconventional people and so occasionally unconventional methods are needed when it comes to healing.
There’s a growing trend in the Veteran community to embrace unorthodox treatments for PTSD, one of those treatments is Ayahuasca. But it’s nothing new, Ayahuasca has been used for thousands of years in rituals, long before the first pill was ever made. It’s a mind altering brew and there’s a renewed interest, research, and investigation into it’s healing powers for Veterans with PTSD and others with trauma. The results have been promising and many Veterans have felt life-changing positive effects from their plant based medicine experiences. I’ve spoken with Veterans recently who have told me plant medicine saved their life.
The Research
A recent study describes the effects of Ayahuasca on the brain as enabling “amplified introspection and problem-solving related to past and current life stressors, and for powerful envisioning and strategizing of solutions for a more hopeful future.”
There’s been further studies, specifically on military veterans with PTSD. After trying Ayahuasca as a treatment for PTSD, 70% of the Veterans using plant medicine had significant improvement on their PTSD symptoms 90 days after their ceremonies. Another study of Special Forces Veterans in Mexico reported large improvements on self-reported PTSD symptoms after treatment and importantly, greater life satisfaction. There are many studies occurring right now on psychedelics and PTSD due to the substantial and growing evidence that these treatments can lessen anxiety, reduce PTSD, and even help with addiction.
“It’s helped some of my most traumatized patients go back to living a life and functioning in a way they haven’t been able to for years. Just this summer MDMA was denied by the FDA for treatment for PTSD and Veterans all over the country are paying the price.”
– Dr. Rabidoux
My Experience
I went back and forth a bit on wanting to try psychedelics. I watched people like Aaron Rodgers talk about his experiences. I’m not really into the hippie bullshit too much but I was curious. I saw more and more veterans experimenting with MDMA, Ketamine, and other similar treatments and getting real results. I was contacted on Instagram by a female Veteran who lives abroad who mentioned wanting to do it, she served in the Army and also lost her brother in combat in Iraq. She sent me the Tiwaz Awakening website and I connected with Luke, the Marine Veteran from Nebraska who somehow ended up in Peru studying plant medicine. Go figure.
I liked Luke and his explanation of the program. There are other Veteran owned retreats, the most popular being Heroic Hearts but I wanted a smaller, more personal experience and adventure. Another nonprofit providing resources for Veterans in the psychedelic assisted therapy world is Vets Exploring Treatment Solutions. One to check out in Mexico is Healing Front Line Heroes which works with first responders as well.
I scoped out some other retreats, but I didn’t want to stay within the walls of a compound at a fancy treatment center. For Veterans, healing and reflection isn’t going to be transformative if it only lasts a weekend. Luke explained his program was nine days long and incorporated yoga, acupuncture, Jiu-Jitsu, hiking, brain scans, and connecting with local culture. There was an overnight hiking expedition and an exploration of Peruvian history. I told myself fuck it and sent the deposit.
“By committing to this journey, you’ve chosen an initiation to be a new version of yourself”
– Cinzia The Warrior Goddess of Tiwaz Awakening
Although after I sent it, Luke sent me materials and explained the pre-diet and preparation. I almost told him to send me my money back after he said no alcohol, caffeine, red meat, or even sex for two weeks before. But I figured a detox would do me good and I had always wanted to see Machu Picchu in Peru. Read about the Ayahuasca Diet here. Embarking on this journey isn’t just a one day thing where you drink a magic potion – it’s essentially a monthlong commitment and much of the work is done before and after the actual ceremonies.
The Ceremony
It’s hard for me to even know where to start. I was nervous. Especially when everyone gets a bucket for the “purging.” Or as I would call it, throwing up. Apparently it’s very common in ceremonies and considered a visual sign of healing and cleansing. It’s not just physical but spiritual, a way to expel trauma from the body. It’s clearing you of pollution, bad energies, and negativity.
There was a briefing, protocols, and an explanation of what to expect. There was one Shaman and two assistants in the room with six total participants. One at a time we approached the Shaman to receive Mother Ayahuasca in a serious ceremony. I got down on my knees, took a deep breath, said a prayer and threw the bitter Ayahuasca back like I was chugging a beer.
The ceremony is in the dark. After we all drank the medicine the Shaman blew the candles out and we were left to our own thoughts. We were laying on yoga mats with Peruvian blankets and I definitely had an “oh shit” moment after I took the shot. My oh shit factor increased twice, first after what felt like an eternity in silent darkness when the Shaman started chanting and singing. It sounded like a witch doctor casting spells. The second time was when the guy next to me started throwing up and a girl across from me started crying. Hearing those sounds together wasn’t exactly music to my ears.
Then I felt it. It felt ancient and profound and it flowed through me like a river. I sat there in the dark and my soul opened. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I didn’t know if I was at war or at peace but there was no going back. I felt my conscious mind and my subconscious mind meet for the first time. Inner John was meeting outer John and it was kind of an internal shitshow.
It tore me down, Ayahuasca exposed my fears, pain, doubts, and regret. Then it built me up and showed me my strength, courage, success, and future. I thought a lot about my future during the ceremonies. To me, Ayahuasca said “fuck the past” and in my state I just agreed. Like a lot of veterans, I have problems with the past…that’s kind of what PTSD is.
It’s hard to explain but it was just like the medicine told me I don’t need to worry about it anymore. I released it. I don’t need to worry about my past combat experiences, failed relationships, or past problems. But it did tell me the future mattered, my journey mattered, and that I have a mission. I planned the mission of my life while high on psychedelics in a temple in Peru and my thought process felt creative and my mind felt sharp. Here’s a YouTube Video of my personal Ayahuasca Experience.
My first ceremony I had what I’ll call a mild psychedelic experience. I felt like I was hovering a bit and had feelings of intense peace and contentment. My second ceremony I decided to take a bit more and holy shit was that wild. The trees through the window started dancing and came alive. They put on a show, like giant puppets and after a bit I realized it was the story of my life. There was symbology in what the trees were showing me and some of it I really understood and some of it made no fucking sense. Then I realized it wasn’t supposed to make sense, because life is complicated. One of our healers told me to feel and not think and after I got over my initial fear I just enjoyed the show.
I liked the Ayahuasca. It really made me look at things with a different perspective. It gave me deep feelings of enlightenment and helped me forgive myself, put the past behind and focus on the future. But the healing was in conjunction with a myriad of other things. Before my first ceremony in the afternoon I did a grounding yoga session. Preceding the second I did an acupuncture ceremony, throughout all of it I was immersed in nature. There was deep conversations beforehand with the healers, my fellow veterans, and within myself. After there was periods of reflection, meditation, and prayer.
I was also in a place where I was ready for it and I don’t think I would have been years ago. I put a lot of effort into my preparation to come here and do this. I even went without coffee and for me that’s a huge deal. But my best plant based experience here in Peru wasn’t the Ayahuasca, it was the Huachuma. It’s a lesser known plant medicine and gentler than the Ayahuasca. It caresses you whereas the Ayahuasca bends you over.
We took it before a hike in the Sacred Valley and I liked the outdoor, daytime aspect of the ceremonies. I felt like a kid on it, hiking with my fellow veterans up a beautiful mountain. We were chatting, making jokes, and telling stories. The Peruvian Healer Alcedes gave us intense and yet relaxed wisdom during our journey. Talking to us about the ceremonies, the beautiful nature of our souls, and the meaning of life. We had a translator with us (who was also a BJJ instructor, energy healer, and badass person) who would relay his poems, myths of the mountains, and lessons.
I don’t know how to say this without sounding fucking weird but the guy felt like the real deal. Alcedes had this energy around him that felt pure, like it was a gift. I felt this spirituality radiating from him that I don’t think I’ve ever felt from another human. Maybe part of it was the Huachuma, or that my heart was open from the Ayahuasca or it was the nature or a million other things. But for me, the energy healing I received that day on a mountain in Peru in the Sacred Valley was realer than anything else I’ve ever done for my PTSD.
What I loved about my experience in Peru was the holistic approach Tiwaz Awakening took. Honestly, it’s hard to write about in a way because it was such a profoundly spiritual experience. Words can’t really do it justice and I don’t want to try too hard because it’ll feel inauthentic. Some things cannot be explained, they must be felt. It was deep, I cried and I feel more connected to my spiritual side than I ever have. I cried about my father leaving me when I was a kid, I cried over my divorces, I cried over my combat experiences, and I cried for my lost friends. Then I just let it go because holding on to it was no longer necessary.
The Best Part
The community we formed in our small group was incredible. Over the course of the week we had all these deep conversations about healing. I really will never forget these people and made lifelong friends. It was mainly veterans and it was a good space for us, we did Jiu-Jitsu and we made gay jokes. We hugged a lot, opened up to one another, and shared in the most unforgettable week of all of our lives. Honestly we probably hugged too much but there was so much emotion flowing around.
I learned a lot from all of them and it was a group brought together with shared purpose, to heal. To heal combat stress, find forgiveness, abandonment, the loss of loved ones, failed relationships, and addiction. We all came with hope, that Ayahuasca could give us what we needed, even if we all needed different things. We came as strangers and left brothers and sisters, we supported one another against our demons. We ate guinea pigs together, woke up at four in the morning to hike, and even choked each other in Jiu-Jitsu.
After each Ayahuasca ceremony we would share with one another. We bared our souls and opened our hearts. Sharing what we saw in our visions, our experiences, our hopes and more was one of the coolest things I’ve ever been apart of. I’ve done group therapy with the VA and all that, that was mental health and this was spiritual health. Everyone’s experience with the medicine was different, there’s no way to know how it’ll affect you. It provided me a measure of closure that I needed and I’m grateful for that. Did it transform my life? I kind of think it did but time will tell.
Plant medicine taught me that what I want is within my hands. Drinking the medicine made me feel connected to myself, the people on the journey with me, nature, and God. I don’t think it’s for everyone, you have to be ready for it and you have to really want healing. I’ve learned a lot of people don’t really want healing, because letting go of their pain is like letting go of themselves.
After
I’m planning on coming back in March and doing another retreat with Tiwaz Awakening. The entire staff and the experience was amazing, I feel like they’re family. We got uncomfortable, we hiked, we got cold, and we got hot. I saw the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen, Peru reminded me a lot of Afghanistan. I’m a beach guy, but there’s something spiritual about mountains.
I also feel as if Ayahuasca is going to help me with my addictions and relationships. I like adrenaline and I have an addictive personality. By every definition the VA counselors have, I’m probably an alcoholic. I’ve had problems with relationships and I’ve been divorced twice. I’m not going to stop drinking and I’m not switching over to celibacy but I think I’m ready to have a healthier relationship with my vices. Maybe they won’t have the same control over me as I move forward with my life after my medicine journey. I’m ready to do a serious evaluation with my personal relationships, friendships, and family.
I think I can approach my relationships with more love, understanding and authenticity. On the other hand, I feel ready to let go of relationships that no longer serve me. The military gets us too comfortable with toxic relationships and I’m ready to move on from certain people, places, and things. The medicine provided a coach for me and that coach was me.
“After your ceremony is the perfect time to change yourself. Pick up a new hobby, be a better person, change anything about yourself that needs changing or improving. You’re in a growth phase and you choose what to do with it. Nurture yourself, be kind to yourself, love yourself, and embrace peace.”
– Luke Jenson of Tiwaz Awakening after our ceremonies.
I’m just one dude who had an experience, your life and your journey are your own. If you feel like you’re out of options than this might be for you. But there’s one roadblock, it costs money. The VA’s treatments for your PTSD are free, the prescriptions don’t cost you a dime and you can sit in a fluorescent office and do talk therapy. There are cheaper options however than what I did to explore your options in this plant medicine world. There are resources out there for you. If you’re going to invest in anything though, invest in yourself.
Hopefully in the future there can be sponsorships or something to help Veterans offset the cost but for now scholarships and such are tough to come by. You do have to be careful about who you embark on this journey with, there are some bad organizations out there that are profiteering a lot from Ayahuasca. Do your research, talk to people, and do what’s best for you.
From Veterans
Lorna
“The real magic and most important aspect of a medicine journey is the integration. It takes place in the preparation stage and continues immediately after a psychedelic journey. Integration is a conscious application of insights gained from your experience into your daily life. It’s imperative to remember that a psychadelic journey is a whole process that works to extend your healing and benefits, and is not a single event. Without integration, you’ll miss out on 95% of the benefits from your experience.
I was on copious amounts of medications and doing all types of therapy to help manage my PTSD and suicidal ideations. Nothing from the conventional western medical model was working for me. I was ready to end it all and Ayahuasca was my hail mary. If you would have told me I would use psychadelics I would have said, “no fucking way.” But it helped me through my stuck points. I faced things my ego was protecting me from. Now I have my soul and life back. I owe my life to plant medicines. No Fallen Heroes Foundation, The Mission Within, and Wellness Retreat Alliance are great for Vets.
Edwin
“It’s crazy how one substance can make you forgive everyone who wronged you. I now look at life sorta hippy-esh and see a lot of signs that align me with my purpose.
Enlightened is the best word for me personally but one thing I experienced was with addiction. My mother was on crack for 18 years and I took her to one and it helped her significantly. Now she’s a counselor, helping other addicts – full circle. Some people need a factory reset, that’s where Ayahuasca comes in.”
Vincent
“For me it was a disappointment. Sweats, fear, and the stupidity I felt towards it. It can be a bunch of people who aren’t happy looking for answers getting high in the jungle. I don’t know if I can explain it properly but it feels like smoke and mirrors to give you the idea that Ayahuasca gave you the answers. But you already had them you didn’t need to drink that stuff to get them, all you had to do was be really fucking honest with yourself.”
Brandon
“I’m a combat veteran and a Purple Heart recipient. For over a decade I struggled and still do to an extent with crippling PTSD, anxiety and depression. Which led to me being a very disconnected person in general.
The first time I tried psilocybin was a very spiritual awakening experience. For the first time I felt reconnected to myself, grounded and one with nature, I felt like I was meeting myself for the first time. During those six hours I was able to work through years of trauma, regret, and pain. There was also this indescribable connection with nature also. Once you’ve seen the grass and tress alive, you’ll never forget it.
After the experience I found an extreme reduction in my PTSD symptoms, and went months without having a stress-induced panic attack. I’m now a huge proponent of plant-based medicine. It was like years of therapy in just a few hours and the benefits lasted long term. Currently I’m off all VA prescribed medication and live a life closer to myself, learning to love and forgive myself, and am dedicated to my spiritual growth. All of which I directly attribute to my psychedelic experience.
If you’re a veteran who’s struggled with PTSD, have exhausted the traditional treatments such as therapy, medication, etc.. I highly recommend exploring plant-based medicine. There are many published studies, the data speaks for itself and like many others, I am true testimony to the benefits.”
Jason
“I would have never imagined how healing this shit is…it completely blew my mind. It was the most profound experience of my entire life. If you’re a veteran check out The Mission Within. “
Courtney (Wife of a Special Forces Soldier)
“My husband was anxious, impatient, his sleep was terrible- kept having the same recurring nightmare. He started having headaches daily, his memory got shitty. Like literally would call me and tell me he didn’t know where he was and forgot where he was going. He couldn’t make any decisions- big or small, from life decisions on what career he wanted next to where to park at the grocery store. We tried being normal- hanging out with new friends, going to see a concert, even trying to go to out to dinner. None of it worked out well. Meeting new friends sucked, the concert ended in concussive symptoms from the music and lights, and the dinners were never relaxing bc he was always scanning. Finally, one day my 2 year old accidentally grazed my husbands head- right by his temple.
It immediately sent my husband into full on concussive like state. Vomiting, headache, tinnitus, whatever. We go to the VA for a brain scan bc I’m like something is wrong with you. Of course the MRI is normal. Of course they prescribe therapy and pills and whatever else. So I start doing research and begging for help from anyone who could help us navigate transition out of the army. We tried everything. It helped (but minimally) but nothing stuck long term. Finally, we found VETS and started exploring the psychedelic therapy route.
There was a lot of work to be done up front, for both him and myself as the supporting partner. We got a grant to go through a nonprofit who helps SOF veterans. It was around 5K. The trip was 1 week- they did ibogaine and 5 MEO-DMT. The house is beautiful and relaxing and there is a fully equipped and trained medical staff there the entire time. There are other holistic practices that they include during the week too. There’s work to be done on the backend too- lots of reintegration sessions. They’re available for as long as you want to attend, for both the participants and their wives.
I told the lady at vets before my husband went that if he could get 1% better, I’ll consider it a win. I can say my husband is now at least 80% better. His anxiety is gone, he is sleeping better with no more nightmares. No more panic attacks, we can go to dinner for the first time as a family. Our kids aren’t driving him absolutely crazy. He doesn’t feel empty anymore. He doesn’t miss being in our old unit anymore (for the first time since we got out 3 years ago). He has patience and appreciated the beauty of life now. He no longer is depressed and searching for his purpose in life. We (our family) are finally enough for him. I can’t recommend it enough.”
Erika
“I felt very connected to to myself and was able to go deep in the work. I feel more compassionate towards myself, open to receive and motivated AF to share this with the community. We are living in a time where powerful medicines like these are readily available but with no guidance, support or integration. With HFH you have all of that. AND the reciprocity with the Seri Tribe is so important and is incorporated in all of the services that Front Line Heroes provided me.“
Laura
“It’s always different for everybody, depending how much groundwork you’ve done beforehand. I don’t just mean a 2 week detox. The medicine won’t work if you haven’t done personal or spiritual growth, nothing will happen for those people. It knows what we need and what we don’t and who can handle it and who can’t.
I didn’t want to use this medicine as a way to escape. My background is in alternative medicine, especially after being overmedicated at the hands of the VA for so long. I was fed up with the system and I got my degree in alternative medicine because I couldn’t stand not knowing how to help myself. I couldn’t stand being medicated and I wasn’t going to go back to drinking and doing drugs and masking things.”
Joel
“Former Army Ranger. Plant medication not only saved my life, but uplifted me. I have purpose every single day when I wake up and see God in all things. Now I work to ease the suffering. My life has completely changed for the better since I embarked on this healing path with the medicine as my ally.”
Thank You
Thank you for reading my article. I’m grateful for you. Check out my book 365 Days of Affirmations and my Free Veterans Guide To Moving Abroad. If you’d like to talk to me more, connect about living abroad, Ayahuasca or anything else check me out on Instagram and TikTok. I’m going to do some videos about my experience and I hope it’ll open veterans eyes to the possibilities outside the western medical world. I’d appreciate any sharing of my articles, books, or social media content to spread my message to the Veteran community.
If you’d like to add anything to this article, whether it’s resources, organizations, or your experiences hit me up. If you’re struggling, I’m here to talk or you can hit up the Veterans Crisis Line.